In yoga, there is the tree, the cobra, and the crow. In ballet, there is first, second, third, fourth, and fifth. In sex, there is missionary, doggy-style, woman-on-top, and well, some more basic positions and an infinite number of variations. While every movement in ballet is highly structured, love-making is pretty much free-form. We like to think that the dance of love is only restricted by the limits of the imagination. But such freedom is a relatively modern luxury.

When it comes to the ways in which men and women join hips in the naked shuffle, protean lovemaking has been long in coming (no pun intended). Our evolutionary ancestors mated more canum (as dogs do). But as our stooped predecessors straightened up, a new skeletal structure allowed for face-to-face sex. The intimacy (eye-contact, kissing, etc) that face-to-face sex affords and the separation of sex from procreation is part of what makes us uniquely human.

Though human beings have outgrown, by 7 million years or so, the confines of the “two-backed beast”, they have since been frozen into other positions. But not necessarily for reasons of anatomy. There were teachers when the Church was very young who held certain ideas about how men and women should join in bed. It is possible that St. Paul, who claimed that a woman should be subordinate to a man during sex, and St. Augustine (354-430), who believed that others positions were a sin against nature, were primarily responsible for this. St. Augustine, for one, lived a significant battle between celibacy and the fires of sexual desires. Of his lover of 13 years, he says, “and so I muddied the clear spring of friendship with the dirt of physical desire and clouded over its brightness with the dark hell of lust.” Evidently, this guy wasn’t what we today would call comfortable with his sexuality. But St. Augustine’s sex-life influenced that of thousands. Christian missionaries taught that sex should be performed face-to-face, with the man on top of the woman with his legs in between hers. Any other position, claimed the missionaries, was unnatural. (1) Today, we know this tried and true classic as the missionary position.

In the West, during medieval times, messing with the natural order of things was a major concern. Having sex from the behind (doggy style) had (and obviously still has) animal connotations. And acting animal-like was definitely considered a perversity. But these ideas were not universal. The Kama Sutra (an Indian ‘sex manual’ written by Vatsyayana 2,000 years ago) associates most rear-entry positions with animals (the cat, the dog, the elephant, the ass, the deer), but although the lover explicitly loses “all human nature”, there are no negative undertones:

If the lady, eager for love,
goes on all fours, humping her back like a doe,
and you enjoy her from behind,
rutting as though you’d lost all human nature,
it is “Hirana” (the Deer). (2)

To those living in the West in Medieval times, oral and anal sex were also considered acts against nature since one can’t conceive children this way. The only clear motive for engaging in such sexy activity is (and was) good ol’ sexual gratification. Not exactly a legitimate cause. Once again, Vatsyayana didn’t see any problems here. In fact, here he gives detailed instructions for satisfying a woman in one of many ways:

Now spread, indeed cleave asunder,
That archway with your nose and let your tongue
Gently probe her “yoni” (vagina),
With your nose, lips and chin slowly circling
It becomes “Jihva-bhramanaka” (The Circling Tongue). (3)

While the Kama Sutra goes into the minutest detail to describe many obvious and some not so obvious positions, one famous 13th Century book called De Secretis Mulierum (The Secrets of Women) suggests that kids conceived from certain ‘unnatural positions’ might have birth defects. In fact, there were some harsh punishments suggested (by the church) for those who dared to be wild in bed: three years penance for woman on top, oral sex, and sex from the rear. (4)

Things didn’t get much better in ensuing centuries. One Victorian sex manual instructs: “ladies, don’t move”. (5) In contrast, the Kama Sutra endorses a little more action from the female:

If long lovemaking exhausts you
before your lover has reached her orgasm,
you should allow her
to roll you over your back
and sit astride you, taking initiative. (7)

India wasn’t the only country whose citizens didn’t necessarily regard sex as a fearsome monster cloaked in mystery and embellished with suffering. In China, the ancients chose artful names for different positions: The Galloping Horse, Swallows in Love, Silkworm Spinning a Cocoon, Butterflies in Flight. These poetic names suggest that the Chinese saw beauty and art in the different ways humans would entangle themselves in passion. (7)

Historically, the West has had a certain amount of trouble finding beauty in sexuality. In fact, we associate sex with things ‘dirty’ and forbidden. And now we react against the roles that have been set up by our ancestors. For example, the missionary position has gotten a bum rap. It is often considered a cop-out for modern-day women since it is not adventurous or assertive enough. Whether one is confined to the missionary position because of what society says or rejects it because of what society says–one is equally enslaved. The missionary position has lots to offer and infinite variety doesn’t mean infinite enjoyment. But with thousands of positions out there, it might be a shame to never venture further. In this series we are going to learn all about the physical dynamics,the psychological and emotional impact and the experience of our visitors with major sexual positions. And we are going to offer up some creative poses that almost anyone can do. The following might seem a little daunting to most:

She lies on her front,
grasping her ankles in her own hands
and pulling them up behind her:
this difficult posture is known to experts
as “Mallaka” (the Wrestler).

Though they say that “east is east and west is west, and never the twain shall meet”, this Sex-Files series will attempt to fuse the two poles…in bed.

The Position on Norms and Abnorms

Sex is a very private activity. True, you are sharing some very intimate details with another person, but you don’t generally get a good idea of how the REST of the world is doing it. Each time you have sex with someone new it is difficult to separate the experience itself from what you are actually bringing to it.

One may ask him/herself: do all lovers have similar experiences to what I have had? This information is pretty confidential. You are more likely to compare other aspects of your own relationship with others. Do we go on as many vacations as they do? Do they have as much conflict over the dishes? Do they argue as much? Sometimes you may be able to compare these components of your relationship. But the following is rarely determined: do we have sex as much as they do? Where do they have sex? Are they more satisfied than we are? And almost never does one learn what positions they prefer and why. QueenDom’s survey has collected some pretty top-secret information from over 25,000 people about positions (don’t worry, it is absolutely impossible for us to look at individual data since we asked no personally identifiable questions). No longer do you have to secretly and shamefully wonder about the intimate lives of others. QueenDom has been peeking (metaphorically, of course) into thousands of bedrooms to get the straight scoop.

Statistical analyses show that most folks are using between 2 and 5 positions each time they hop in bed for lovemaking. But gay lovers are more experimental than straight lovers. They are almost twice as likely to assume over 6 different positions per encounter. In fact, only 6% of gays (compared to 10% of straights) stick to one position throughout a lovemaking session. Gay lovers (26%) are also more likely than heterosexuals (14%) to have had more than 20 lovers.

So what positions are heterosexual couples using? If you were to burst in on a couple making love (horrid thought-this is where you blush), you would most likely find them doing it with the man on top. If you were to leave and come back later, or intrude on another unsuspecting pair of lovebirds, if they weren’t in the missionary position, you would most likely catch them giving oral sex or doing it doggy style. The next most frequently used positions are woman on top, followed by side by side. It would be a relatively rare sighting to come across a couple engaging in anal sex or standing up.

We wondered whether people carry with them, from partner to partner, a certain repertoire of positions—a certain lovemaking style. Interestingly, people say that they vary positions and number of positions from lover to lover. Women are slightly more likely to mix it up with a new lover. Maybe the excitement of a new lover spurs women into more gymnastic sex.

Men and women are almost in perfect agreement about the quality of their sex lives, and the bulk of visitors would quantify this realm of existence as slightly less than good. But the genders do not always agree on which positions score high on the overall satisfaction scale. The top three positions for women, in terms of quality are (in order): receiving oral sex, receiving manual sex, and giving oral sex. Men are most satisfied with receiving oral sex, giving oral sex, and giving anal sex. Both genders include, in their top three giving and receiving oral sex. This is an instance where the puzzle pieces actually fit!

There are some more interesting facts about how satisfied the two genders are with sexual positions. Women are more satisfied with the missionary position than men are. And men are happier than women with the woman on top position. Seems the puzzle can’t fit perfectly all of the time! Men find more fundamental fulfillment from doggy style and are quite a bit more satisfied with 69. Men find giving oral sex more satisfying than women do, and men like receiving oral sex more. But the genders agree that receiving is better than giving. When it comes to hands-on practice, men are less contented than women with receiving manual stimulation (though it is still regarded quite highly). Both men and women agree that the side-by-side position is the least satisfying. This bottom-of-the-barrel position was rated about midway between ‘totally dissatisfied’ and ‘totally satisfied’. So all in all, people are quite happy with the various ways in which we manipulate our bodies for lovemaking.

The more years we spend having sex, and the longer our relationships last, the less complicated sex becomes (in a physical sense). We leave the gymnastics behind and settle into a few tried and true positions. Age also whittles away at the number of positions that are incorporated into lovemaking. Whether this is laziness, boredom, or just sticking with what works best, we don’t know.

What we do know is that people tend to equate a lot of wild positions with quality. According to the survey, people feel that the more positions used, the higher the perceived quality of sex. Even when we eliminated other factors, we discovered that the number of positions used in sex tend to dwindle as relationships mature with the advancing of the clock. In “To Boink ’til Death do us Part”, an article in The Joy of Passion series, we found out that most couples experience a downward spiral of passion as their relationships mature. And it would seem that passion is what puts our fannies in the air, entangles our legs in impossible knots, and keeps us making love like supple yogis. Yes, the hot fire of passion is what energizes sex into a tumbling, twisting sport. As the years march on, innovative positions, along with heady passion, falls by the wayside.

Now that you have peered through the proverbial bedroom window of thousands of people, it’s time to draw the curtains (unless you want to share with the world), coax your lover into bed, wrap yourselves into love knots, and break the mold. According to “Let’s Talk about Sex”, still of The Joy of Passion series, sex is the best catalyst for mind-blowing sex. And it seems quite likely that as the fires of passion are fed, you will find yourself in positions that have not yet been invented.

For the nitty-gritty details on how to pull it all off, read The Instruction Manual, as we take a magnifying glass to the ins and outs of basic positions.

The Instruction Manual

Much of what we do in life is accompanied by a neat little instruction manual with clear step-by-step instructions (ordered numerically) and accented with precise diagrams. If we need to change the batteries in the camera, check the oil in the car, assemble a side table, program the VCR, or make pasta, there is some form of handbook to ensure that you do it flawlessly and in the right order. Any literate person can’t go wrong.

But those huge important things, like life, parenting, love, and sex rarely come with a ‘how to’ book. Of course, no single book could dictate to everyone exactly the best way to have sex, to raise a teenager, or to deal with loss. These life situations are rather more complex than boiling pasta, admittedly. However, sometimes it would be nice to have some basic guidelines to follow–especially in the vast and very quiet arena of sex.

QueenDom.com went about creating a handbook for sex by asking thousands of people for their input. The results, analyzed in aggregated form, give us an idea of what men and women want from sexual positions. And thus a new kind of instruction manual is born! Following the directions won’t necessarily make your life complete, but with a dose of fun, some sensitivity, a bit of communication, and your own special twist, these observations might help make sex a more successful endeavor for you and your partner.

Ease of orgasm

For both men and women, there are certain positions that make it easier to reach orgasm, regardless of other factors. For women, receiving oral sex is by far the easiest way to reach orgasm. Receiving manual stimulation and being on top are next in line for ensuring that a woman reaches orgasm. Side by side is the position most likely to chase a woman’s orgasm away (which makes sense since there is no clitoral stimulation). The standing position also tends to make orgasm more difficult.

For men, giving anal sex scores highest on the ‘ease of orgasm’ scale. For women, receiving anal sex is not the best for inducing orgasm, but it beats the side by side and standing positions (see below–most women have to be quite turned-on before having anal sex). Next in line for orgasm-ease is man on top, followed by the doggy style position. All of these positions allow the man full freedom of movement, and in the first two cases, a rather exciting view of his partner. Men have the most trouble reaching orgasm in the standing position (this takes a lot of strength and effort).

In general (except for 69 and receiving oral sex), men find it easier to orgasm in any of the given positions.

Step 1: For ease of orgasm, perform oral sex on a female lover. If partner is male, consider being on the receiving end of some anal sex. If that is not to taste, try doggy style. If orgasm is indeed the desired end result, standing up might keep him far from orgasm, and receiving anal sex tends to keep her furthest from orgasm.

Level of Physical Comfort

What might feel great for her might be uncomfortable for him. Or vice versa. Some positions are slightly touchy and require a very high level of turn-on. Of course men and women differ in what is physically comfortable or uncomfortable. For women, the top 3 most comfortable positions are: receiving oral sex, receiving manual stimulation, and man on top. The least most comfortable position (approaching painful) is anal sex. For men, the most comfortable position is receiving oral, followed by woman on top, and then doggy style. The least most comfortable position is standing.

Overall, couples (men and women combined) find that the comfiest are: receiving oral sex, receiving manual stimulation, and man on top, followed by woman on top. Receiving anal sex and standing were voted the least comfortable.

In general (except for with the missionary position), men find all of the positions more comfortable than women do.

Step 2: To really mollycoddle a partner, whether a man or woman, consider giving him/her a special treat of oral sex. Standing and anal sex tends to be a little awkward, even potentially painful, and thus should be attempted with delicacy and awareness.

How turned on you have to be to use this position

Some positions are only included in a couple’s repertoire of ‘moves’ when the heat is really on. This may be due to the high gymnastic component, the level to which muscles need to be relaxed for it to be comfortable, or the level of abandon with which the couple makes love. According to this survey, women absolutely have to be turned on to receive anal sex. Giving anal sex also requires a pretty high level of turn-on. Although much less so than anal sex, 69 and standing up require a bit of juice and liveliness. Women will do the missionary position no matter what (almost). For men, receiving anal requires a high level of turn-on, as does giving anal sex. Standing also requires a slightly higher level of turn-on than the other positions. It seems that for men too, the missionary position is that old standby that doesn’t require major passion.

Overall, couples have to be really turned on to engage in anal sex. Receiving anal sex can be very painful if the muscles aren’t adequately relaxed and getting super turned-on helps make it an enjoyable experience. 69 requires much less turn-on than anal sex, but requires more than all the other positions. Couples are in perfect agreement in that the missionary position requires the least amount of turn-on.

In general, men don’t have to be as turned on as women to get into any of these positions.

Step 3: Anal sex requires a high level of passion, for both women and men. Don’t attempt this cold-it might not work. The missionary position is the best option for middle-of-the-road, not too excited sex.

The most pleasurable depth of penetration

Overall, couples like to go deepest with doggy style, then woman on top, then man on top. They like a little less penetration with 69 and anal sex. However, it seems that none of the positions are conducive to very shallow penetration. On a scale of 1 to 10, the lowest position fell on the 6. So in general, deeper is better.

Women like it deepest when they are on top, and presumably able to control the depth of penetration. Next in line is doggy style. They like it the least deep (of all the other positions) while receiving anal sex, followed by giving anal sex, followed by receiving oral sex.

Men like the deepest penetration during doggy style, followed by woman on top, giving anal sex, missionary, and receiving oral sex. They enjoy shallower penetration when receiving anal.

Step 4: For deep penetration, both woman and men tend to benefit from this in the doggy-style position, or while the woman is on top. During anal sex, it is prudent to maintain shallow thrusts.

The most pleasurable speed of thrusting

Overall, couples like it fastest with doggy style, followed by the missionary position followed by receiving manual stimulation. They like it slowest with anal sex.

Women appreciate high speed thrusting in doggy style (the mean was a 7 with 10 being the fastest possible), missionary, and while receiving manual stimulation. Women preferred faster thrusting than did men in the doggy style and missionary positions. Perhaps men aren’t quite as enthusiastic since they who are doing most of the work in these positions.

There is not one position that elicited as high speed thrusting as did doggy style for women.

Men like it fast in doggy style and missionary, but not as fast as women. In fact, women like it faster throughout (the genders tie with receiving anal and giving oral).

Most numbers hover around the 6 marker (10 being super fast, 1 being very slow).

Step 5: Men and women like sex to involve a high speed of thrusting. Both men and women like it the fastest in doggy style. Anal sex should be undertaken at slow speed.

Stages of sex and degrees of roughness

How gentle or rough one is during the stages of intercourse depends on gender and relationship status.

In general women like it slightly rougher than men. Women who are dating and having sex with different people tend to like it a little rougher, though married women and divorced women love for things to get wilder during climax. Married men are the gentlest of the lot. The following table gives the means of men and women for each stage of sex. The scale is from 1 to 10. 1 is very gentle and 10 is very rough.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what degree of gentleness/roughness do you prefer during the following stages?
Women Men
Foreplay 4.75 4.12
Initiation of intercourse 4.95 4.31
Midway to climax 6.34 5.51
Close to climax 7.46 6.88
During climax 7.42 7.10
Wind down 3.54 2.73

Step 6: Increase roughness and intensity gradually as climax approaches. Once orgasm is complete, wind down at a gentler intensity than what was invested in foreplay.

Step 7: Lay back with lover in arms and have sweet dreams.

Positioned for Sex-cess
Sex-sculpture: Creative Approaches

The following are the comments of QueenDom’s visitors…the wackiest, the wildest, the seemingly impossible and the totally plausible…sexual positions!

One position can be described as something that looks like a butterfly or a can opener (an L). My one leg is between his legs while he holds the other leg above me. It’s not the wackiest, or craziest, but it’s the most penetrative.

I once stood on my head while my boyfriend opened my legs and entered me by leaning forward. Needless to say, it was very uncomfortable.

An interesting position involves the woman on her back, legs apart–the guy gets on top, laying sideways across her, penetrating her.

We were lying down, me (woman) on the bottom. My feet were up on his shoulders, and my hands were supporting my waist, which was up in the air. He was on his knees, holding on to the front of my thighs.

The wackiest position I think that my husband and I tried was me lying at the foot of the couch, with my legs in the air but supported by the couch edge, and him between my legs hoisting them up to meet him…he was pulling and I was pushing (feet supported by the couch edge). The experience was very energized by the sheer activity and physical aspect so that we climaxed together! And then we fell asleep shortly afterwards, exhausted but reeling in the afterglow. We’ve done this position for a few times now, and think it sounds ‘wacky’, but we certainly love its adventurous quality.

Most creative sexual position occurred while I was driving a motor home with my partner sitting in my lap.

Imagine: my 6’3″ lover holding me (5’4″) by the ankles upside down. He is standing and performing oral sex on me. Very unexpected and a great sensation. Blood rushing to the head, unknown ‘fear’ of being dropped while the fantastic feeling of having the warm tongue insertion is beyond words. And of course I am trying to give him a blow job.

His knees are on the couch and his hands are on the floor. He’s doing pushups while I lie underneath on the floor with my legs around his waist doing crunches while have sex. A great workout!

My husband is in the military. While we were dating I went to visit him during a 24 hour duty rotation. It was about 8pm and there were 4 or 5 people in the office area. We went into the 1st Sgt’s office. He lowered his pants I raised my skirt. We were pretty much standing, as well as you can in that position. The most exciting part was that we couldn’t close the door or turn on any lights, and could hear people in the hall only a foot or so from where were. I have a vivid memory of the excitement not so much the sex, although that has always been good. It only lasted minutes, but it left an impression on me until now, some 7 years later.

Both of us were in the ‘crab-walk’ position you use in middle school gym class. If both partners support their bodies on both hands and both feet with their backs towards the floor. Legs intertwined and pelvises adjoined. It has to be the wackiest but its great. Both of you can see each other from the hips up and a gentle rocking motion from each partner is all that’s needed. And nobody has to work harder than anyone else. It’s nearly impossible on a waterbed but fun to try anyway.

My wife likes to lie on her back in the Jacuzzi and turn so that the jets stimulate her clitoris while I sit on the corner of the tub with my feet in the water on each side of her and masturbate while we watch each other.

I was sitting on the banister by the stairs while he was standing up. It added the fear of falling backwards over the stairs, which made it more exciting.

I’m a gymnast and I was practicing at home in my gym. I was dressed in my bodysuit because my leotard was in the wash, and I was doing handstands against the wall. My Sexual partner walked in and came over. I was still in my handstand and he ripped open my buttons at the very bottom of my bodysuit and started giving me oral sex. With one hand I pulled down his shorts and pulled him down to me. We were performing ’69′ but standing up. Later he lay me on the gym floor and we had sex!

The wackiest sexual position I have ever been in is over the bathroom sink. It was a pedestal style sink with a mirror hung on the wall over the basin. He lifted me up while I faced the sink and I supported my weight on the heels of my hands at the outer edge of the basin. My feet did not touch the ground. He entered me from behind causing me to rock forward with each thrust. As I rocked forward my breasts would make contact with the cold mirror causing my nipples to become very hard. From time to time he would cover my breasts with his warm hand(s). Overall, it was a very stimulating encounter.

The most creative position would be with the use of the Love Swing. I sit on a big ball (the one you used to sit and bounce on at school, with a handle between your legs), with the handle at my back, using both hands to hold on laying back on a pillow. My wife is sitting in the swing on her but with her legs in the leg straps raised up as far as he can and spread wide starts to bounce up and down in the swing. When she is going down closer to the floor she grabs on to my legs and pulls up till she gets me bouncing on the ball. She will be playing with herself making her self wet then she will lube me with KY and if all goes right we both bounce our selves to one awesome orgasm.

Critics take the Stand: Unpopular positions

We asked our visitors what their LEAST favorite sexual position was and why. The majority of our respondents to this particular question have been women, which is obvious by the comments. Keep in mind, that though these comments are interesting and may alert you to potential problems they don’t accurately portray how most people feel about sexual positions. These are critics, pinpointing how certain sexual pinpoints leave them short of the mark. You may hear something that you could have said, or you may not identify with any of these rants and mild complaints. But in the name of enlightenment, we are pleased to put these worthy critics on the stand:

The worst position is doggy style cause it’s so unflattering to the female.

I most dislike 69, with the man or woman on top (side-by-side 69 isn’t too bad). I don’t like it because I can’t really be focused enough to work on my partner, and can’t let go enough to really enjoy myself. Also, with the man on top I’m afraid of him thrusting into my mouth and not having a choice about it (this happened to me once and I suppose I’m still paranoid).

The least desired position we experienced was trying to have sex in a kitchen chair. It was difficult to balance, as we found the angle was slightly off, and leg cramps were quite a side effect. I was trying without much success to straddle my husband while he was sitting. The chair backing was too inflexible, and was a strain in the neck area for my husband. We abandoned this new position within 25 minutes.

Least favorite position is standing and the reason is that it is difficult to get good penetration.

My least favorite position is doggy-style because, well, I feel like a dog! I just view it as somewhat degrading. I have only done this once with a past partner and I did not enjoy it.

Lying on my side with the man facing down is my least favorite position. It hits my ovaries.

I have not been really disappointed with any position, but if any it would have to be doggie style. I hate having my rear end that exposed and out there.

I don’t like it from behind – It doesn’t seem to do anything for me and it makes me feel like I’m being used like a blow-up doll instead of as a sexual partner

I am least fond of 69 because it is distracting for both getting and giving

My least favorite position is with me on top, facing away from my partner. It is not at all stimulating, even borders on uncomfortable and I cannot get one iota of pleasure.

I am not crazy about doggy-style, the air gets inside of me and hurts as he pushes himself inside

The missionary position is my least favorite-I feel like I’m too baggy-any other position feels like a lot tighter fit!

My least favorite position would have to be female on top with the man not moving at all. For one thing, it just doesn’t feel nearly as stimulating… kind of like not even having sex, just going through the motions. If he moves even somewhat it’s a dramatic improvement. Also sitting upright on him sometimes allows deep penetration that can be painful.

I don’t love the side-by-side spoon (with me behind her, obviously). It’s tiring and I don’t feel much.

When we are both horizontal but on opposite ends of the bed (like 69 but slid down for genital contact), his penis flops out of me pretty often and that’s distracting. Also we can’t see each other except for the feet and the angles of insertion are uncomfortable.

Doggy-style is my least favorite because of the great feeling of a lack of power and control. And not being able to see my partner makes me feel animalistic.

Missionary is not my favorite–I get tired of holding myself up!

My least favorite position is when I’m on top. Too much work and my thighs get tired too quickly. I wind up having to slow down or sometimes stop and it throws off the whole rhythm.

Woman on top is the worst position– most women don’t have enough control to keep the penis from popping out

My least favorite position is being on top because I don’t feel anything. It’s hard for me to be the only one in control. However, I do like being on top in a vehicle because I have things to hold onto and I can put my foot down and have good control of what I’m trying to do.

My least favorite position is doggy-style or laying on my stomach with my boyfriend on my top of my back because I can’t look into his eyes or see his facial expressions. Also, you can’t touch each other as much.

My least favorite position would have to be doggie style on a water bed because my knees hit the bottom boards—but doggie style is way up there on my scale, but only on a floor or regular mattress.

My least favorite position is on-all-fours doggy style, because my partner’s penis hits my cervix and it is uncomfortable.

My least favorite position is the missionary position. It just seems so blah. However, this happens to be my wife’s favorite position. The reason that this is my least favorite position is that my wife is a great mover during sex, the way she can move her body is an amazing thing to behold, and with me pinning her to the bed it inhibits her movement to a degree.

It Takes Two: How Positions Evolve within Relationships

As relationships ripen, the flavor of sex changes. The pungent brine of passion and infatuation slowly neutralizes into a more watery love solution, which changes the ways in which couples experience sexual positions. Though most agree that passion slowly degenerates (with an exaggerated dip in enjoyment between the fourth and eighth year), some connoisseurs might argue that this change can be viewed as a desirable ripening towards a more complete whole.

The maturation of a couple’s sex life by no means just a greased slide into stagnancy. Marked peaks and valleys chart an uneven course. In general, as relationships mature, couples admittedly have less sex. But sex positions don’t just fizzle out in the same general way that passion and frequency of sex does. Even though some of us may think of the missionary position as being an old standby used mostly by fuddy-duddies that have long since stopped talking, the fact is that new lovers do it in this position more than anyone else. Now, this may be a little deceiving since new lovers are doing it more to begin with. But it isn’t quite so simple. Long-standing couples don’t peter out all positions from their lovemaking regimes. In fact, those who have been together for over 8 years start to get into the 69 position more than they ever did when they were younger. These mature lovers also experience a renaissance of the side-by-side position, oral sex and manual stimulation. Perhaps these positions require less athleticism than others, and thus appeal to a slightly ‘older’ crowd.

But plain old physical convenience doesn’t seem to be the sole motivator behind the shift to oral sex and 69 experienced by long-term lovers. The emotional connection felt between two partners comes into play. It is true that as relationships mature, couples feel less emotionally connected in the missionary position. There is a very linear relationship: as the relationship matures, couples feel progressively less connected. And there is even a rather dramatic drop after 15 years. Those couples who have been together for over 15 years feel much more disconnected from their partners in this position. In fact, the general trend is that feelings of emotional connection decrease as the time together increases. There are exceptions, however. Feelings of emotional connectivity in the 69 position is the highest amongst those couples who have been together for more than 15 years. These long-time lovers also report the highest connectedness while giving oral sex. Interestingly enough, they feel slightly less emotionally connected while receiving oral sex than do people in relationships of other lengths (though all lovers feel more emotionally connected while receiving oral sex than they do while giving). However, these long-term lovers feel the highest level of connection when giving. So even though most sexual positions lose their heady allure over time, lovers who weather the years together get more genuine pleasure out of giving. And since a vast majority loves to receive such pleasures, it can be safely said that some things do get better with age!

Though passion, infatuation, and general sexual contentment tend to dissipate in the maturation process, satisfaction with positions does not simply dissolve as a relationship ages. Well, it is true that satisfaction with the missionary position does follow a linear path down the slide as time progresses. But, in the woman on top position, and the other popular positions, couples are initially ecstatic about the position, then experience a period of disillusionment (during those tough 4-8 years) followed by a gradual rise back into favor. Doggy style, though always pretty popular, reaches its peak at 8-15 years. The 69 position, another big hit, reaches its peak as couples approach the 8 year anniversary. Giving oral sex gets better as time goes on (with the ever-present dip between 4-8 years), and receiving remains pretty much uniformly high (though satisfaction here dips, with emotional connectedness, as lovers reach the 15 year mark).

While long-term lovers may become less gymnastic in their lovemaking, they don’t necessarily become more mechanical. In fact, lovers in the later stages are more likely to spice up their sex with some heartfelt oral sex. Like fine wine, relationships change over time. Though the piquancy of newness subsides, the general flavor of sexual positions can, with all the right ingredients, develop slowly into something sweet and satisfying.

Wrap your Mind Around it: Psychological Implications

Even though sex is a physical activity, it has a strong psychological component. A well-worn adage claims that the brain is the largest sex organ. And indeed, the brain interprets that which is sexually arousing. A person’s voice, look, attitude, intellect, laugh-these are all a part of sex. Then there are those who enjoy bondage and discipline and role-playing. These are more extreme examples of those who consciously incorporate submissiveness, dominance, humiliation, power and other psychological dimensions into their sexual liaisons. Even though many people are not so overtly focused on the psychological, the mind is as important as the body during sex. Even sexual positions are more than just ways in which men and women contort their bodies to accommodate lovemaking. With every sexual position comes a different experience, not just physically, but psychologically as well.

Mental Mastery

Feeling psychologically in control during any one position depends on a lot of things. It surely depends on freedom of movement, past experiences, level of trust in partner, ability to let go, and so on. According to the survey, men feel most control in the missionary position while women feel that they have the most mental mastery while they are giving oral sex. In this case, physical control and psychological control are related.

Interestingly, women feel MORE in control when they are on top than men do during the missionary position. And in this position, men feel much LESS psychological control than women do when they are on the bottom. Apparently the ‘woman-on-top’ position really puts the woman in a position of power. Both of the genders feel the least amount of psychological control when receiving anal sex. This makes sense considering the associated stigmas and the potential for pain. Receiving anal sex is a very vulnerable position and requires complete trust in the partner.

So why might it matter that different levels of control are felt in different positions? Well, there is a significant correlation between having psychological control and being satisfied with a position. People generally don’t like feeling that things are out of their control. This is fine, but feeling out of control might be standing in the way of heightened enjoyment. And psychological control is only a perception that can be altered. If there is a position that you are interested in trying, or that your partner would love to do, but it makes you uneasy, it may be due to the possibility of losing psychological control. If you would like to experiment with increasing your perception of control, try some reflective thinking. Consider why you might feel vulnerable, what the risks really are, and how to let yourself realize that it is okay to ‘let go’ of the situation. By doing this, you can teach yourself how to feel safer. Prearrange with your partner a code word or hand signal that will slow things down, or stop it altogether. Since there is a significant link between a heightened sense of control and satisfaction, playing with your own mind can have bounteous pleasurable rewards.

Body-image

People were surprisingly in agreement about how certain positions made their bodies look. Women agree that they look best when they are giving oral sex. And men think they look best when there is a woman on top of them. In general, men feel slightly better about how their bodies look during sex. Not a surprise, right? Women feel good about how they look when receiving oral sex (how much is he really seeing?) and feel that they look the worst in doggy style. Men feel that the side-by-side position doesn’t put them in the best light.

All of this self-consciousness is really not worth it, however. In general, people find that their partner’s body looks fabulous in all those positions in which they themselves feel homely. First and foremost, men love how a woman looks when she is on top of him and any aspect of oral sex makes her beautiful. Women also love how a man looks during oral sex. Men feel that side-by-side is the least flattering position for their partner (can’t see much). And she feels that receiving anal sex or 69 is the least flattering for him. In general, though, all positions do justice to a lover’s body!

There is a correlation between how your body looks and satisfaction. And there is no correlation between how your partner’s body looks and satisfaction. This indicates that your own self-consciousness is getting in the way of your pleasure. And how you feel you look really doesn’t matter since your partner thinks you look amazing. Once again, working on your own body image can help elevate your sexual enjoyment.

Comfort Levels

In general, women are more inclined than men to have to know the person a lot better before having sex with him/her. But both men and women feel that anal sex requires a high level of familiarity. This is very high for women. Women feel that they should really know someone before engaging in oral sex. Men don’t think it is as important. In fact, to receive oral sex, most men hardly have to know the person. But to give oral sex requires a much higher level of familiarity. This disparity between giving and receiving is barely there for women. For both men and women, the missionary position is the position most appropriate for sex with new and unknown partners.

Daredevil Positions

The level of shame and/or guilt felt within all of the positions was very low. Both men and women feel that anal sex, followed by doggy style are the most risqué.

Women find that doggy style induces slightly more shame/guilt (though still very low) than do men. Receiving anal sex induces more guilt than does giving. Men also feel more guilty about receiving than they do about giving. For heterosexual men, this may have a lot to do with the gay connotations. The missionary position is a guiltless pleasure for both men and women.

All the positions in the spectrum of sex are colored by our psychological impressions. This mental interpretation is what makes sex fulfilling or empty, enjoyable or frightening. If your perceptions are standing in the way of true enjoyment, pinpointing these psychological barriers can help free your mind and body. And if there are no such obstacles in your sex life, an awareness and respect for the psychology of lovemaking can help elevate the pleasure

Emotions in Motion: Spiritually Positioned

Each sexual position has it’s own “personality”. For example, some positions are reserved for fast-paced and exciting sex (leisurely Sunday afternoon lovemaking is usually not conducted standing up), others are more conducive to her orgasm, and others are more visually stimulating. QueenDom wanted to know which positions were most likely to carry two lovers to higher spiritual plains. We are thinking about that kind of sex where you and your partner become welded together, body, mind and soul. We asked our visitors for descriptions of their soulful sexual experiences and the only thing that we can pin down is that eye contact seems to play a large role in really making that connection. The eyes are often referred to as the “windows of the soul” and any position that allows you to lock your lover in a gaze may be the position that will send you and your partner soaring, souls entwined, to other worlds. Many couples also experience spiritual sex after an intensely emotional connection (after an argument, after not seeing one another for a while, after a heart-to-heart). Spiritual sex has to do with fusing the body and the mind, and being acutely aware of your partner. Here are the testaments of our sexually spiritual visitors:

But when we want to make love and be as close as possible, I find that the best position is when the male is sitting up with his back against the wall or headboard and me straddling him. This connects our torsos and enables us to hug and touch each other’s chests and run our fingers through each other’s hair. It’s definitely the best position I have found for making love and being the closest that two people can be.

We were once making love on his couch and we were sitting up with me on top and we both reached orgasm at the exact same moment. It made things much more intense and we both felt great afterwards.

It happened the night before he had to go to another country. It was the missionary position. We were in a deeply connected state of mind. We did not part from each for just one second. Everything was done passionately, as if we were going to be apart for eternity. It was beautiful to see how our love for each other took over and the sex became more meaningful.

I had sex with a former boyfriend, and he started out softly and romantically caressing and kissing. As we got more into it he started becoming more aggressive and forceful, making me feel like I was all he ever desired in life and that he would die if I didn’t give in to him. Then when I was about to climax he held me very tightly and cried on my neck and called my name over and over like a prayer. It felt like we couldn’t get close enough like our skin was keeping us miles apart from one another even though we physically could get no closer.

Once we just lost ourselves in the moment and tried about 10 different positions. The one that caught us was when he was sitting in a chair and I was on top and he was just holding me. No words were said–we just looked into each other’s eyes.

Deep spiritual connection… YES… it was like I was out of my body, floating above my lover and me, and at that moment, we were one. I lost the use of words and my body quaked afterwards. Neither one of us could talk but we later discussed it and both felt like something wonderful had happened. A super sexual orgasm is a goal of our intimacy. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does it is so enlightening and freeing and wonderful. I t makes us want to do it again and again and again.

Yes, during slow intimate sex with her on top, where we look deeply into each other’s eyes as we orgasm.

We were in the missionary position and it had been a week since we had been intimate–we both had lousy weeks, and we saw very little of each other. We both just kept saying things like “I’ll love you forever” and “I’ll never hurt you”. We both started crying, but kept on going, and we were crying tears of joy and comfort when we came together. It was the closest I have ever been to anyone in my whole life.

After a nice evening with a lot of snuggling, hugging and kissing, we made love in the regular ‘man on top’ position after a long bout of foreplay of only touching each other all over the body. We melted together. I didn’t move in and out, we were just circling. Kissing, whispering sweet words, and looking into each other’s eyes, we both came at the same time. Our soul was one, our body was one, I never felt like that in my life. I smelled colors, I heard smells, my senses became one.

I experienced a deep spiritual connection with a relatively new partner. I am a very giving person sexually and he made me relax and receive for a good long while. He really enjoyed my attention to him when it was my turn to give. We orgasmed together at the same time with relative ease because we each read the others body signals and verbal cues. There was an understanding and mutual desire that I think is very rare, especially with a new partner. We knew we had something with the first kiss, the first glance. Everything about his life was respectable and attractive to me. I am not talking about his physical appearance. His physical appearance is not my fantasy physique. He is soft spoken but direct and uninhibited. My intense sexuality did not frighten him. He made me feel safe and desired. We used so many positions I cannot remember them all. The love-making lasted for hours, separated by hours of sleep, then more love making. He laid me down and lightly touched my body, tracing the contours of my curves, just looking at and enjoying every inch of me. All of it felt spiritual but the most deeply connecting orgasm occurred while I was on my back with my legs straight up and over his shoulders. He was thrusting with great power and control, varying the speed and depth according to my groans and body motions. I was using my vaginal muscles with great fervor. Wow. That was the best ever. I’ve got to see him again!

It might sound silly, but I’ll admit that almost every time we make love, I feel like I “connect” on a very deep and spiritual level with my husband. The positions are generally a mixture, and vary with the mood and setting, but I can feel ‘him’ in a very intimate way. Its animal magnetism mixed with this raw soul-clenching passion, desire and ardor, and I honestly thought this is what most people experienced. I still think that’s never a one-time experience to have. It gets deeper as the time goes by, and the passion never seems to cease. Looking into your partners’ fantasies, we sometimes expose ourselves.

We were having an argument. Then drove off in the station wagon to talk/cool-off. Well, I knew that if I took my clothes off while he was driving – that he would see that the argument really wasn’t worthwhile. It was in the late fall, and I had a jacket on – and after a while, that was ALL I had on. I began opening his pants (he’s a very good driver) – needless to say, he had an erection by then. Once he put his hand at my `lips’ and felt the wetness and the heat, and smelled my scent – he found a place to park the car (extreme rural area!) Though his pants were way down at his ankles, he had his sweater still on, and I kept my jacket on: wide opened, though – it had a soft, furry lining – talk about sensual! The front seat was `one piece’ and so the Whole back of the seat could go down – but we sat for a while.

I ‘teased’ him with some oral sex, until he told me to hold off so we could ‘come’ at the same time. I had my back to my door, he was on his knees – however way! He licked/sucked me till I had an orgasm – he wanted me to ‘come’ more than once, he said he really wanted me to feel his love. The back of the seat went down. We did a little ’69′ – but I just HAD to ‘squeeze’ him. We ended-up with him on top: he really was a tease: going in, and we’d French kiss; them he’d get out and ‘attack’ me all over: wet kisses, lovingly firm caressing; a bit more oral sex; I just had this deep feeling that I wanted him to ‘eat’ ALL of me. And it was as though he KNEW what I was thinking. I felt unusually closer to him in my love for him: that this particular moment was TRUE love making – we were making love, and it was making us. He came in – and I was so horny that my clitoris needed no stimulation for my orgasm! The heat, the wet, the scent, – that car became a room that felt like it was it’s own little world. I didn’t wrap my legs very tight around him – with the limited space, maybe we felt more comfy being able to ‘hump’ more loosely. My orgasm was the first time without any stimulation onto my clitoris: so it ‘felt’ different: such deeper pulses; the sense that there was ‘something’ this time. He laid upon me quite a while afterward – the whole experience was just so awesome that we wanted it to last as long as it could. The dropping temperature made us get a move on, a running car provides better heat! Two months after that, we found I was pregnant: and we immediately remembered that unique ‘closeness’ we felt. And this ‘close’ feeling has only happened once after that-two years later; and within two months of that 2nd experience – I was pregnant! Never had it again – and only have the 2 children.

With my current relationship I have felt a spiritual relationship many times. Mostly after we haven’t seen each other for a while and after some intense foreplay. We both get so into it and not just physically, it takes over your mind and you body just tingles. It is like you re trying to show her how much you love her by the way you make love to her.

“It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.” -Henry Louis Mencken

“The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.” -Jim Rohn

“Time flies whether you’re having fun or not.” -Mary Engelbreit

“Life is a perpetual instruction in cause and effect.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.”

Love is not finding someone to go to bed with, but finding someone you want to wake up next to in the morning. Love is not finding the perfect person, but finding the imperfect person perfect.”

“I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.” -Humphrey Bogart to Gloria Grahame, In a Lonely Place

“Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.” -Francious de la Rochefoucauld

“Sleep… Oh! how I loathe those little slices of death….” -Longfellow

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” -Aristotle

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.” -Sam Levenson

“There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.” -Oscar Wilde

“I present myself in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you.” -Luigi Pirandello

Mercy to the guilty is cruelty to the innocent.” -Adam Smith

“If we keep doing what we’re doing, we’re going to keep getting what we’re getting.” -Stephen Covey

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love’s perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they’ll ever meet.
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
You stay at home and watch TV. He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable. He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.

REMEMBER our Troops now, and do not forget them LATER

Wild…but becoming semi-under control. Loud…but trying much harder to listen. Loveable…but still a pain in in the ass. God given, straight from birth ability to test patience like no one else…but quite worth it really!

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom:: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You’re at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!

If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
-Juan Ramon Jiminez

A bad beginning makes a bad ending.
-Euripides (484 BC – 406 BC), Aegeus

A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live.
-Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you are keeping.
-Kenneth Tynan

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people
who have to wait for them.
-E. V. Lucas

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
-Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900)

Act as if were impossible to fail.
-Dorothea Broude

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all boil at different degrees.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality.
- Anwar Sadat

I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work.
- Ben Franklin

What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.
- Thaddeus Golas

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
- Winston Churchill
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
- Winston Churchill

Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

There are times when silence has the loudest voice.

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within

Character equals the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life, and is the source from which self-respect springs
-Joan Didion

If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn
- Friedrich Nietzsche

When a thing ceases to be a subject of controversy, it ceases to be a subject of interest
-William Hazlitt

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts
-George Orwell

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it
-Andre Gide

Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t

There are none so blind as those, that will not see

There but for the grace of God go I

The longest journey starts with a single step

The more things change, the more they stay the same

If you can’t be good, be careful

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam – I will either find a way or make one
Luctor et emergo – I struggle but I’ll survive
Ad vitam aeternam – For all time

I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work. – Ben Franklin
What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens. – Thaddeus Golas
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. – Eleanor Roosevelt
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” — Winston Churchill

Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

There are times when silence has the loudest voice.

-Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice

-Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within